hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
