grandma shit on top of the toilet
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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