I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
