Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
