Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
