So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
