Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
