So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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