you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
