a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
