I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
