So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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