the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
