do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
