You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
