i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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