I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
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