When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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