Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
