btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My cat gives me a boner
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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