This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
