Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
