i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
