guys are only as good as the porn they watch
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
how does that bad decision feel?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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