She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
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