I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
