Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
