next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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