You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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