I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
