i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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