He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
