The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
