I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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