So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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