she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
