I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
