the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
it was like having sex with a tree stump
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
