So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
organizing the empties. That sober.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
