im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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