Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
