I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
