I should be sponsored by Trojan
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
