You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
