Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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