I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
