69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
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