I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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