I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
