im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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