Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
