I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
